Mature Man

The mark of a mature man is a certain scar that he bears, the memory of a perfect woman never won, or a true love forever lost. However much he loves you, he is only here because she is not. 

Unknown

Trust

“Only trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.”

William Penn quotes (English Quaker leader and Founder of Pennsylvania, 1644-1718)

Case of mysterious disease

MCGM (Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai) officials say that approximately 8,000 people, from all across the country and neighboring countries (Bangladesh and Nepal) come to Mumbai everyday.

3000 out of them train and educate themselves (enhance their skill set) to become taxi and auto drivers. 3700 people start working with their Bhai log and help them in their various businesses like selling Vada Pao, Misal Pao, Bhaji, Pani puri, newspaper delivery, pimps, pizza deliver, dhobis, presswalas (not journalists) courier services, restaurant delivery service, DVD delivery service and liquor delivery service etc. Many of them become go on to become security guards and watchmen and end up killing each other. Many of them choose the “entertainment industry” and work as Bar Dancers or even “you know what,” if they are willing to take some initiative and risks in life. Some of them work in Crawford market and sell pirated Jackie Chan’s movies, Pirated Mont Blanc pens, Gucci apparels, Rolex watches and Louise Vuitton bags. The people with real people skills are the ones which stand outside the shops in Colaba and sweet-talk foreigners into spending some dollars in a specific shop. They are mostly freelancers, multilingual and sell “everything’, provided you have the mood and funds for it. 

Few of them are lucky to be educated in Engleesh medium and end up working with companies as sales representatives, space sellers, call center executives, cell phone consultants, computer engineers, (repairing etc) Bank’s customer care specialist and management trainees. (A term used by MNC’S to make a fool of young people). The sharper ones become Real Estate and property consultants. Few of them end up doing soaps on Ekta Kapoor’s TV serials, talking crap on TV as a VJs, radio jockeys and Journalists. There are people who have nothing better to do and end up being bloggers. FYI: I know few of them personally. Many of them get work in the film industry as clap boys and junior artists. Some people are born artists and sharpen their skills by spray painting graffiti on the walls, playing Jai Santoshi Maa songs on Dhols, (in front of Jackie Shroff’s house), Singing in the trains and painting movie posters.

I am dedicating this post to people in this group, who suffer from mysterious disease after landing in Mumbai. My doctor friend, who also happens to be an expert in Forensic science, has finally solved the puzzle of sick immigrants.

According to him, there’s a very large group of people (the people who come to Mumbai every day) are the ones who religiously stand outside Salman Khan’s house. They know everything there is to know about this guy. Whom is he hanging around with, when is he getting married, why is he not getting married, how much is he making per movie, names of siblings, parents, parentage, genes and personal life. For these guys, he is their blood brother. If someone walks past Band Stand where Salman lives, you will see these people sitting bang opposite on the stairs of Bandstand Esplanade. Just next, to the land digger machine.

According to my doctor friend, this is the group of people who suffer from the mysterious disease. These guys are in real sense, are the chosen one, the prodigal sons, who have the dedication to stand outside his house for days without taking a shower and without taking a dump. The only thing they get to eat there is Sheng, Sookha Bhel and chilly chowmein. The shit builds up, coupled with Sookha Bhel and chilly chowmein making different deadly gases in their bodies and messing with their GIT (Gastro Intestinal Track) in the process

So, if you smell anything peculiar on Carter Road, its time to know that Salman Khan has shifted to his new house. It’s the distinguished smell of 1240 immigrants farting simultaneously.

Black Eyed Boys

Since this is not a geek blog, we will try and keep this post as simple as possible. While talking to one of a senior cell phone executives, I was amazed to know a fact which kind of creeped me out. The person said that the police and your cellular network provider knows exactly where you are in the world to within a hundred metres.

You know how a cell phone works? It primarily communicates through waves with a cell base station, the antennas of which are usually mounted on a tower, pole, or on Shahrukh Khan's building. The phones have a low-power transceiver that transmits voice and data to the nearest cell sites, usually not more than 500 mts to 1 km away. When the mobile phone or data device is turned on, it registers with the mobile telephone exchange, with its unique identifiers, and will then be alerted by the mobile switch when there is an incoming telephone call. The handset constantly listens for the strongest signal being received from the surrounding base stations. That's why you receive strong or week signals depending upon where you are. Its the nearest tower which communicates with you. So by comparing the signal strengths for the signals at each station, your network can triangulate your position and figure out where you are.

So it does not matter whether you are using it or not, it should just be switched on, for police to know where you are. This service was and is being used by police everywhere to track a criminal or somebody who needs to be followed for security purposes like a politician or an important person like me.

Now the most interesting thing. All GSM phone companies have equipment which can track a cell phone. So just because the companies have a facility, why not make some money out of it? So according to my source, companies in India, will soon be offering tracking services for your own cell phones. So, if your wife is carrying a cell phone which has this tracking service, you will know exactly where she is, withing a hundred metres. This service will be used by parents to keep a track of children, girlfriends to monitor boy friends and vice verse.

So If Ravi Yadava is having a misal at Bandra, he will have to say Misal. Not that " I"m at Gym or in a meeting".

Thousands of marriages will be broken. Parents will be shocked to hear their "Pyare, bhola bhala" Kids lie, through their teeth. Millions of boyfriends will get bashed for lying to their girl friends. I know couple of these kind, myself. Employees will be sacked. Government officials will be suspended. There will chaos everywhere. Every second man will have an black eye.

What bloody fun.

Irving Stone

I recently read "Lust for life", a novel on the life of Vincent Van Gogh. Its a brilliant piece of work which mesmerises you, from the page one. Anyone who reads it, will be intrigued by this entertaining and deeply passionate novel. I felt the bruises on my arms every time one of Vincent's intense crushes denied him and every time ignorant critics laughed at his work. It confronted the problems we all deal with on a day to day basis (doing what you really love to do) as well as the sadness of life. While I was reading the novel, I fell in love with the guy who wrote it, instead of the person he was talking about. Irving Stone, according to me, is one of the finest story teller I've read, in a long time. He has written about Michelangelo, John Noble, Sigmund Freud, Charles Darwin, Camille Pissarro, Clarence Darrow, John Adams, Jack London and of course Van Gogh.


He has the ability of turning a normal human being into God, giving them a larger than life image. How intense this guy would have been in his life, who could write so intensively about other people. Blessed are the people who interacted with him.


Some of his important works:


Lust for Life - based on the life of Vincent van Gogh
The Passionate Journey - based on the life of John Noble
The Agony and the Ecstasy - based on the life of Michelangelo
The Passions of the Mind - based on the life of Sigmund Freud
The Greek Treasure - based on the discovery of Troy by Heinrich Schliemann
The Origin - based on the life of Charles Darwin
Depths of Glory - based on the life of Camille Pissarro
For the Defense - based on the life of Clarence Darrow
Those Who Love - based on the life of John Adams
Sailor on Horseback - based on the life of Jack London.

धीर धीर रे मनः

धीरै धीरै रे मनः धीरै सुब कुछ होए,
माली सींचे सो घरा, ऋतू आये फल होय

Lord have mercy

I was coming back to Mumbai from Pune, recently and was sitting at the booking office of Neeta Bus Service. Its on Jangli Maharaj Road which is housed in the most rundown piece of shit, structure anyone have ever seen. The less said, the better. The booking guy told us that the journey will take around 3 hours from Jangli Maharaj road to reach Sion, in Mumbai.


While we were waiting for the bus to come in, I saw this guy, trying to fix his specs, all by himself. Looking at his confidence level, I could figure, that its a on going process and he knows how to go about it. One of the lenses from his specs had dropped out and he was trying to put it back, without the help of any tools. He first tried locating for a tool which could open up the screw which holds the lens to the frame. He searched all over, asked people in the office, went to each and every passenger and when he could not find a sharp object, he proceeded to use his long finger nail.


It took him a good 20 minutes to open it up. I'm sure he must have broken couple of nails in the bargain but hey, who's complaining. Once the filthy lens was firmly set in, he proceeded to close the screw which held the soda bottle glass to the frame. Trust me, it took him another 20 minutes to tighten the screw. While doing this exercise, all the customers who came to him for any help were send to someone else who was eating his grub. After all, this was more important than attending to the clients. Every five minutes, he opened up a bottle of some ayurvedic stuff he was selling on the side, took a swig and proceeded with his work. Some kind of stuff which increases the hemoglobin. According to the banner in the back.


I saw this exercise with utmost awe. A person like me, with so little patience, would have just smashed the specs on the floor. Seeing the kind of respect these guys had for time, I predicted to my friend sitting next to me, that our bus will not take three hours but at least 5 hours to reach Mumbai.


I went out to buy some stuff and was surprised to see an optician shop, right next door. He could have just walked over and got the guy with the tools to get it all set in less than a minute. Most of the time, they don't even charge anything for such trivial job.


As predicted, our bus took 6 hours to reach Sion. Its another story about how the driver of the bus took 22 minutes just to adjust his rear view mirrors and 15 minutes to start the DVD player.


Lord have mercy.

Family Dentist

The amount of money we guys have given to various Dentists over a period of 20 years, is not funny. I think, its time to employ our own, a good looking, sweet, nice smile, young, female Dentist.


Our own family dentist on call. Does anyone know a good looking woman dentist who wants to work with us on a regular basis. Qualifications flexible because we have pretty good experience ourselves, since we have seen it all.


PS: I can see clearly some people laughing at our misery. They may not show it but I know, that deep inside they have the urge to distribute some gyan to us. Koi Baat Nahin. Maybe they don't see that we are ones who brush our teeth 4 times a day. They are just plain blessed and nothing more than that.

Philosophy of Happiness

My friend has a kick ass theory on relationships and happiness. Its known as theory of "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". This is one of the best theories which has hit the management philosophy scene in the last couple of years. Peter Drucker was so happy with this theory ( when he was alive) that he mentioned the theory in his latest book. Poor soul died and could not really talk about, either his book or this theory. The best part is that most of the people don't know that this theory of "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin" is the brainchild of a Indian Philosophy Guru, who happens to be a young girl and lives in Bandra, Mount Mary Road, in an lovely apartment, overlooking Worli Sea link.


This theory is the continuation of the "scene hai" "Koi scene nahin" theory. If you remember, this "Scene hai" "Koi Scene Nahin" theory got this girl the award for the best " Management Philosophy Theory of the Decade award". She was facilitated by none other than the President and was offered scholarships by 18 universities, all across the world. Its a different story that she wanted to serve Mother Country and decided against joining any Firangi Universities.


People continuously seek to increase one's level of state happiness by seeking increased levels of pleasure and satisfaction. Many contemporary explorations of happiness in everyday life are based upon a subjective state of well-being. Investigators ask people about their current feelings, whether they are hopeful about the future etc. and from this establish some measure of happiness in a particular time and place. This sort of approach is based on the belief that there is such a thing as 'feeling good' and 'feeling bad' - and that people can identify and talk about it.


The "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin" theory is basically about the state of mind of an average Human being. It primarily deals with the model of subjective well-being , which proposes that the state of happiness, the colloquial equivalent of subjective well-being, is achieved by exercising and conditioning mind to two questions. "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". She further explains that human happiness is largely independent of our life circumstances. This explains why the wealthy aren’t much happier than the middle class, married people aren’t much happier than single people, healthy people aren’t much happier than sick people, and so on.


According to her, people should continuously ask themselves two questions, every hour of the day, to help them find true happiness. The human life cycle can really be classified into two stages of "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". She was with me couple of minutes back and she gave me a classic example. Suppose you have no sugar at home and there is no way you can get any at 2 AM. There can be two ways in which your mind can react. "koi fight hai" 'koi fight nahin". She says, the moment your mind says "koi fight nahin", every thing becomes simple and uncomplicated. Your mind kind of, forces yourself out of the stage of unhappiness if, your answer would have been "Koi Fight Hai". She further adds that it is for us to take every thing as "Koi Fight Nahin" if we really want to feel the eternal happiness, which only Sadhus or Rishis have attained.

So next time you fail in your board exams, just say "Koi Fight Nahin". Meet with an accident and happen to break couple of bones " Koi Fight Nahin".

JUJU Bar & Restaurant

And I was always given the impression that you were working in Mumbai, Juju.

View of a Goan Beach

Ill mannered, cheap, uneducated, socially irresponsible guys

you should be ashamed of yourself. Polluting mother Earth.

Set up your own legal and cheap family Distillery

This is how a feni factory looks like from the outside. Its normally concealed in such a manner to avoid people peeping in. Feni enjoys the status of Cottage Industry in Goa, so anyone can just start making it.



I was in Goa on a business trip. One day, I asked my host to show me a typical Feni Distillery. I think, she laughed and took me to the her neighbour's place. After seeing the way typical Feni is made, I was quite pleased with myself that I never quite enjoyed or drank Feni.

It is a easy process and will not cost more than Rs.20,000 to get it all organised. On a full capacity, it gives you around 20 litres of Feni everyday, for you and your family. So next time your guest comes in, serve her your own house labelled Feni. Cheap and bloody strong.

I took some pictures for easy understanding. Its a three step process and requires just one dedicated worker.





This is the part where the liquid alcohal is distilled.


The distillery part is dipped in cold water to convert vapors into alcohal.


The tank where the fruit extract is kept to rot.


Cashew fruit is left to seep into a tank, to collect, which is kept for a month to rot.



The boiler room. Wooden oven.


The rotted juice, ready for extraction and distillation.

The cheap labourer who works 8-10 hrs a day for US 4.00 a day.

Annoucement System

The airport authority is spending some few millions on the upgrading the airports. Just spend some money on a half decent announcement system, which makes it easier for us to understand which flight are they talking about. The sound system is so shitty, ( I can bet ) that even if they abuse people, nobody will understand.


Ladies and gentleman, you all are *** ****** ***** ******** ********* ******* and have a nice day. Thank you.

Delhi Airport

The flight gets delay because an Indian Airline plane force lands, in the morning. So this aircraft is still on the runway, making every flight late by an hour. I just hope that they don't make me wait longer, with these guys.


Just looking at them, makes me hungry.

Road Ki Rani

Yesterday, I went to visit someone who lives in Safdarjung Enclave. Now,  I, live at a place called Gurgaon, which is roughly 20 Kms from Safdarjung Enclave. I was delayed by a good, one hour and could sense the disappointment around me. Today, I want to take this opportunity of explaining to them, the reasons for my delay.


According to a study done recently, New Delhi has the largest concentration of dim-witted drivers in the whole world. The study discusses different kinds of stupid drivers. There are the "Just Plain Stupid" drivers who are confused by the number of pedals on the floor, of the car. This breed has a problem remembering which one makes the car go and which one makes it stop. They are the one wondering whether they will be served "Butter Chicken" or "Dal Fry" for dinner. There is no doubt that they are too stupid to do more than one thing at a time and considering the fact, that they are driving like a dimwitted monkey, they should concentrate only on driving and nothing else. If the speed limit is 60 Kmph, then how about doing at least that fast. They are painfully slow and it’s almost impossible for people to pass them. They are sadists who enjoy speeding up when there is an opportunity for the people behind them to pass and slow down when it is not possible for them to pass.


Then there are the ones who don’t understand the concept of the lane driving. This is the most common group of drivers, found in India. We all know the fact, that the far end lane to the right is the fastest lane, where it’s good to be, when you have a fast car. Not when you are driving a Fiat or an Auto. Come on. These kind of idiots are just too lazy or don't have the reflexes to shift properly through the lanes. Then there is the category of drivers, who cuts you off. They drive with an expression of being the new Prime Minister of the country, who needs to be at the NAM conference at that very time. Looking at them makes you think about your next to nothing life. I really don't care if these bastards die in a road accident but hey, please but don't take me along.


The most interesting are the women drivers. Hello ladies, do not hate me for this. You have excellent qualities and skill sets. You are a unique and wonderful creation of God. He made you with his own hands and loves you more than he loves a man. But, please, don't drive. If your father or husband says you are a good driver, it’s probably, just pure unadulterated bullshit. The moment I see a woman driver, I run for my life. Vaughn Grant used to say that if you see a bad driver, it’s either a she or his mother must have taught him how to drive. I may get a thrashing for this insensitive remark but I am willing to take the risk, for the sake of articulating the truth.


Another kind is the one who decides he wants to be in the spot in front of me, while I'm sitting in this traffic. Hey, Stupid! The traffic in that spot is not moving any faster than it is in the lane next to me. Stay in your lane because what you do often may cause genuine problems. But I guess, that's the only way to get him and his stupid friends off the road. For now however, get your finger out of your nose and just sit patiently in traffic with the rest of us.


Then there is the kind who turns on and turns off their indicators, without any apparent reason. Real Dimwits. As if they are trying to tell people, that because they paid for the vehicle, so they have a right to do anything with her. They also leave an indicator on, for long periods of time to keep the people behind them guessing about their intention. They even switch between the left and right indicator to add to the already confused state.


India is a free country and we are all allowed our freedom of expression. Even if it translates, into buying the biggest, loudest and ugliest sounding horn. This is the finest tool to assert authority on the road. The bigger, the better. "Road ki Rani" is the expression meant for not the owners of the biggest automobile but for the owners of the loudest horn. They use it whenever, they are given the opportunity. Or use it, whenever they have no opportunity. Meaning, use it whenever you are getting bored or can't think of anything to say to your wife sitting, next to you.


Listening to cheap, loud, English songs on a loud stereo systems are the another kind. They neither understand English nor care about understanding it. The only reason they have the song on, at a ear spliting level, is because they have invested a great amount of money on a new CD Player and they want to empress their driving neighbours with their knowledge of Engleesh music. It’s quite cool to chew gum, while listening to some inane English music than chewing gum while listening to Hindi music. Every time they stop at a red light, they roll down the windows and crank up the volume.


Now tell me, with these kind of dim witted drivers on the road, who can reach on time?

Abba Dabba Jabba

I was not actually surprised to read in Today's Newspaper, that Shakti Kapoor was slapped, woman handled, cursed and beaten up in Ujjain, a city in MP, by a women's group. I have a long association with MP and understand the capabilities of its women, fully well. The more I read the story, the more I started smiling. I have actually seen the aggression of women from MP. There is something in the soil. There is something in the water. There is something in the Namkeen, they eat. I once saw a group of three Ujjani girls, running after an eve teaser, catching him and then thrashing him, in the middle of "Freegunj". My friend who was eating a "sabudana dosa" at that time, was so shaken up by the thrashing he saw, that he has not touched a sabudana dosa, till date. Be it in train or in a plane, a woman of MP will never take a "battamizi" lying down. She would give it back to you, then and there.

I would have been surprised if this episode would have happened in Mumbai or Delhi where people just love to yap and don't react on a day to day एपिसोदेस. Women burnt alive, no problem. Women, molested on local train. Koi baat nahin. Hota Hai. Choti Skirt hogi. We in Mumbai, suffer from a big city syndrome where nobody gives a शीट. We just want our space and our right to do whatever. A smaller town women is more aggressive and socially responsible when it comes to women's issues. I may be totally wrong on this ,but this is my perception and understanding.

Its a funny analysis but if you look at the kind of personalities born in MP, you will realise that these guys are quite aggressive and know how to make themselves heard. Even if it means, giving couple of tight slaps on Shakti Kapoor's Cheeks. Take a look at the list. Kishore Kumar, Lata Mangeshkar, Uma Bharati, Osho Rajneesh, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Dr. B.R. Ambedkar, Phulan Devi, Salman Khan, M.F. Hussain were all born in MP. You know now, where Salman Khan gets his aggression from.


I've heard that M.F.Hussain shits bricks, just thinking about stepping on the MP soil. He understands that the women of MP will draw his "Painting", the moment he lands there.


“Hum MP ki nari hain, phool nahi, chingari hain…”


Theek Bola. Danger Hai Baap.

Mahagyan Mahakalyan

有空穴来风,毫无拉屎无臭味. 每当拉屎的情况,臭气熏天以下. 就是普遍真理. 这是一种疯狂的官方日志、懒惰、underachiver能力.

Car il n'y a aucune fumée sans feu, il n'y a aucune merde sans puanteur. Toutes les fois que la merde se produit, la puanteur suit. C'est la vérité universelle. C'est le weblog officiel d'un underachiver fou, paresseux, capable.

Da es keinen Rauch ohne Feuer gibt, gibt es keine Scheiße ohne Gestank. Wann immer Scheiße geschieht, folgt Gestank. Die ist die Universalwahrheit. Dieses ist das amtliche weblog eines verrückten, faulen, fähigen underachiver.

Poichè non ci è fumo senza fuoco, non ci è merda senza puzzo. Ogni volta che la merda accade, il puzzo segue. Quella è la verità universale. Ciò è il weblog ufficiale di un underachiver pazzesco, pigro, capace.

煙が火なしではないので、たわごとは悪臭なしではない。 たわごとが起こる時はいつでも、悪臭は続く。 それは普遍的な真実である。 これは狂気、不精で、可能なunderachiverの公式のweblogである。

Porque não há nenhum fumo sem fogo, não há nenhuma merda sem fedor. Sempre que a merda acontece, o fedor segue. Aquela é a verdade universal. Este é o weblog oficial de um underachiver louco, preguiçoso, capaz.

Pues no hay humo sin fuego, no hay mierda sin hedor. Siempre que suceda la mierda, el hedor sigue. Ésa es la verdad universal. Éste es el weblog oficial de un underachiver loco, perezoso, capaz.

Как нет дыма без огня, нет дерьма, не воссмердело. Всякий раз, когда случается дерьмо, ненавистным образом. Это универсальная истина. Это из официальной веб-журнал с ума, ленивой, способный underachiver.

아니땐 굴뚝에 연기나랴로, 악취 없이 아무 배설물도 없다. 배설물이 일어난다 언제든지, 악취는 따른다. 저것은 보편적인 진실이다. 이것은 미치고, 게으르고, 가능한 underachiver의 공식적인 weblog이다.

Let there be agony, forever.

Car gets towed twice.
Radiator Breaks.
The coffee was bekar.
The draft did not get cleared.
Stomach upset.
No walks for 3 days.
The DVD players stops working.
The client acts like a child.
Barber is sick with flu.
No more music.
Only shirt, torn.
Take home Chinese sucked.
Lift too slow.
Neighbour's Dog has not barked.
The letters, still incomplete.
The new Red Wine is worse than Piss.
Internet down for a full day.
Sugarless Tea.
Soup was like sauce.

Beautiful Eyes

We were doing some wildlife photography for one of our clients. We were in our twin seater charted helicopter and were pleased with the day's work. As the day was coming to an end, we were packing our equiptment. All of a sudden, we saw this guy running into the thick jungle. Our pilot, who had great experience working with world renowned photographers, took a sharp turn and made the chopper run after this guy. The sound made this animal, stop for a nano second. Enough time for Christine Charlton, to grab the nearest camera and take the picture.


It’s not very sharp, as its quite late in the evening. But look at the way, its looking up, at us.


Beautiful eyes, I must say.

Peter Chen

I am quite enjoying posting stupid comments and intelligent stories on my blog. This blog's traffic has increased 2300%, since the last month and majority of the readers have started hating me. I think, its a good sign. Hate is the first step to love. People will, start loving me also,one day. Its just a matter of few more bloody years.


The more one uses the blog, the more he/she understands the tricks and learning which goes along with it. I have learned quite a bit of HTML, TTML, FTML, MTNL, CCTMLN and other computer related languages. For the Morons, its a code langauge which allows the writer/editor to edit and specify certain parameters in a blog.


I wanted a photo in my blog header desperately, so I had to learn a language called FTML. It did take me couple of weeks of hard work and dedication but I learned it. Yes sir.


Couple of weeks back, I again wanted my blog to have a "favorite icon" or favicon. I wanted it as badly as, Paris Hilton wants an Oscar. Its a unique icon that appears next to a web site's URL in the address bar of a web browser. Like the one Yahoo or Google has. The art of doing it, is quite secretive and is generally passed on by Chinese Masters to their sons. I was fortunate to find myself one master, who, after 20 hours of hard labour, and walking on Burning coal, took pity on me and decided to teach me the code language. The training was tougher than "Karate Kid". Trust me.


His name, ladies and Morons, is Peter Chen. He is 60 year young, doesn't look a day older than 40 and puts Jackie Chan to shame. BTW: He is not related to Jackie Chan, so please don't start sending him your modelling portfolios. He can't get you any movie offers. He has a wonderful family and comes from a family of "siew chooi" ( Means, a great scholar, in Chinese ). Correct me, if I am wrong, Peter. You understand, my Chinese is not very good.


He has one of the best blogs on Blogging tricks and lessons. Please visit him here.


Please also visit these guys who were kind enough to bear all my expenses of travelling, sight seeing and hosting etc. The hotel did not serve "Starbucks" coffee, though.


Thanks a Ton, Peter.

Rambling about Ramblers

Everyone of us knows that the bloggers are the most intelligent species on this universe. Including me.

The best part is that most of us ( 98.9%) according to a survey, are very creative when it comes to picking up blog names. Over a period of few months, I've been send e-mails by hundreds of bloggers requesting them to mention them in my blog. After all, my blog traffic is one of the highest, in this part of the world. While going through the e-mails of the bloggers, something struck me like, intelligence strikes Paris Hilton. I realised, that a very high percentage of the blogs have the word "Rambling" in their blog title. The most fasicinating thing is that everyone of them, might have actually sat down for hours to get their title name registered, with the word rambling/s in it.

Imagine, a new blogger who wants a name for his blog. But at the same time, he also "desperately" wants "Ramblings" in his blog title. He is in love with this word and cannot live without it, you know. So she is all set to ramble and get herself a new blog. The first search is "Insane Ramblings". Name already taken. Okay. "Half insane Ramblings". Name already taken. Okay. "Ass hole ramblings". Name already taken. Cool. How about "you are a mother fucker ramblings". Already taken. Okay. Lets try this. " Triple half glass full Ramblings". You guessed it. Name Already taken.

To make the matter simple, I went and searched the word "Ramblings" in blog search. It so happens that, as many as 600,000 bloggers have named their blog "Ramblings this or Rambling that". What the fuck, man. Is there no other substitute for this word? If all the bloggers, who have named their blogs Ramblings; know the meaning of this word, then why on Mother Mary, are they putting us through this torture? Are we not already, captive audience, of our spouse's ramblings. I decided to waste few more of my precious moments to dig a little deeper. I wanted to compile a list of the most creative usage of the word "Ramblings", in a blog title.

It is humanly impossible for me to make a complete list but I could go on till 20 pages of blog search. You are free to add your own list, if you are as big a loser, as I am. Please leave your own creative Rambling name. Go ahead, try it. Its not easy to get a name registered which is different than others and which has not already being taken. And please, don't forget to Digg it, if you like it.


Ramblings of a Shadow
Incoherent Ramblings
Red Shoe Ramblings
Aimless Ramblings from a Blithering Lunatic
Internal Ramblings
Ramblings Inside My Wild Mind l
Ramblings in Space and Time
Ramblings from the Mind of Struht
Aimless Ramblings of Zefrog
Ramblings of a mind fucked loser
Infernal Ramblings
Visual ramblings
Incoherent Ramblings of a Punk in Suburbia
Extemporaneous Ramblings
Ramblings from the outside of nowhere
Ramblings of an insane mind
Ramblings From The Reservation
Ramblings from The Runway
Rondam Ramblings
Insomniac Ramblings
Ramblings of a Mid-Life Mom
Ramblings From a Glass Half Full
The Demented Ramblings of a Drama Student
Lunatic Ramblings
Ramblings of a Luddite Geek
Mathman's Ramblings
paran0id's life ramblings
Inane Thoughts & Insane Ramblings
Incoherant Ramblings
Nonsensical Ramblings
Ramblings on Trust, Reputation
ramblings of a waspgoddess
because ramblings inspire me
Ramblings of an unfettered mind
The ramblings of an internet junkie gone larping
Ramblings Of An Undisturbed Mind
Ramblings of an Idle Insomniac
Ramblings of a Pheasant Plucker
Rabid Ramblings
Ramblings of an asshole
Ramblings of the Mildly Insane
Ramblings of the Fizzy Loon Extraordinaire
Quintessential Rambling

Rambling Deep Thoughts

Ugly but natural

I try and go for long walks on Band Stand with two of my friends. The time generally is late evening, when one can see and say hello to Salman Khan and Katrina Kaif. This time of the day is generally quite with not many "Tourists" eating Bhutta and enjoying the sea. By this time, most of the Pani Puris and sookha bhel guys start packing up their stuff and are on the verge of leaving. You can occasionally see, groups of "lukhas" hanging around their cars, drinking beer or whatever and listening to "Gajals" and Pankaj Udhaas songs. The louder the stereo, the better the guys feel. They also make it a point to look at you, when you are close enough to be "leached" at. They might be talking about anything but the moment these punters (harmless, though) see any form of female species, they start talking in Engleesh. You hear lot of " Ya Ya, Cool it man, Cool it Baby, Rocking, Solid, Mast, Too good" kind of words.

But on Saturdays and Sundays evening, this place is sheer hell. Thousands of people come here to make out or to watch others make out, on the rocks. All those middle aged women with streaked hair with enough make up to embarrass "Shahnaz Hussain". All this dressing up, just to go around that one kilometre of Promenade. Its quite enjoyable to hear them in their different accented English. "You know, she is such a bitch". "No beta, don't go near the water". "Beta, follow your mommy and learn how to become a shallow bastard." Don't worry darlings, he'll grow up to be like one of the schoolboys there, in their long hair and fake Armani Shirt, with cigarettes in their hands, trying so hard to look like John Travolta in Grease. He would probably grow up to hang around in his dad's car, going around in circles on Band Stand, with music on, windows open and leaching at girls in mini skirts and Levis jeans. ( Harmless, though ).

There's something about that place that pulls you to it. It's far from being the perfect place to hang around, on a weekend. It's overcrowded and full of pseudo people masquerading as Nobel price winners. But there's something else. Every place has a certain character, a personality that leaves its mark on you the moment you walk one of its streets and Bandra seems to have a rather alluring one.

If you see three rather ugly looking women walking on the promenade in the evening, its most probably us. Come and say hello but please don't try and use words like "Solid and Rocking". We may be real ugly but we don't put make up like Shahnaz Hussain. Know, what I mean?

Tower Defence.

My friend who happens to be the biggest gamer in the world, told me about this game (the game, which is embedded on top left on this blog). This is the most addidtive game in the whole wide world. If you don't trust me, try it for couple of minutes. The idea is to kill the creeps before they reach the end of the maze. You do this by building attacking towers on the grass around the maze.

To build click on the one you want to build on the right, then click on the map where you want it to be built. Once built you can click on them to upgrade or sell. To get to a high score keep as much of your gold in the bank as possible, at the end of each round you earn interest on the gold in the bank.Special levels are where the creeps are none-normal, they include FAST [6, 13, 19, 26, 32] AIR [8, 17, 27] IMMUNE [10, 21, 32] BOSS [11, 22, 33] You get wood every 7 levels. Use wood to research upgrades.

You will find yourself playing this game more than you think is healthy. I promise you will not leave your chair for several hours. Don't forget to crank up your computer speakers.

My highest score

I know few young brats in their 20's that are real pain in the ass. No, they are not arrogant or ill mannered but they suffer from a certain type of socio disorder, which is becoming quite popular with the new generation of young executives. They are the new "Social nitwits." When most of us carry cell phones, few of the lucky, successful kinds, carry Blackberries from RIM. (Research in Motion). Its a PDA, combined with few kick ass utilities. It gives you access to push e-mail, mobile telephone, text messaging, internet faxing, web browsing and other wireless information services. In one of the Dilbert comic strip Dogbert teaches the employees how to look as if they were paying attention while using their Blackberry. Its also fondly known as "crack berry". Because it uses both thumbs to type, people who use blackberry for a longer duration of time, suffer from sore thumbs. Last when I was in America, a spa located in New York was offering relief for blackberry users. They were offering an exclusive "Blackberry Finger Massage" for only Rs. 3000.00 an hour. The amount is just a little more, than my monthly pocket money. If you know, what I mean.

Companies offer Blackberry to employees, so as to increase productivity and bring in a sense of time, in their employees. Well, while that may hold true for some, the other 97.3% of them, are using Blackberry for something else, which happens to be real annoying for people around them. Its a embedded game called Brick Breaker.

In this time of astoundingly realistic video games, Brick Breaker is straight out of "Bhagwan Ram" Times. It has developed a cult following with executives shackled to their email. Players exchange strategies in chat rooms, brag about their proficiency and pay homage to Brick Breaker superstars, a few biggest losers with top scores of over six lakhs. I am friends with a young CEO, who got the game removed from his Blackberry, but the withdrawal symptoms were so strong, that he had to load it, back in. I was so disgusted with these "pain in the ass" kind of people, with their screwed up social manners that I wanted to find out as to why its so popular. My extensive research tells me that these "PIA" types have a lot of dead time on their hands. Second reason is that its a social game, which means that you are not trying to beat the computer but your friends. Even though it appears you are playing against the computer, you are actually playing against your colleagues because all scores are globally tabulated and players ranked. It gives you the right to brag (about your personal top scores). So when these guys meet other blackberry owners, lets say in a party, they don't say “You are very pretty" but say “What’s your score?". Anything that works for them, I guess. Bloody Freaks.

Next time, if I see anyone around me, playing this stupid game, I'm going to pound it into fine powder and flush it down the toilet. I will start with the bigger one and then proceed with the smaller one. (Pictures at the top)

My score would be the most interesting of all. "Oh, my score is only 6, so far".

Press Wala

Meet Om Prakash. My presswala. His workshop cum house is in the colony, which is bank opposite the Mount Mary Church. A hardworking, dedicated family man. This post is for this guy who is always smiling and happy and can teach all of us the key to happiness.

Keep it up buddy. Really, one doesn't need billions to be happy in life.

Prodigal Daughter

I had the honor of meeting up with this lady a couple of days back. She came from a small town to work in Mumbai. Since, she was new to Mumbai, she was offered to stay at my friend’s place, till the time, she can figure out a place on her own.


She comes across as an intelligent, clean, girl next door kind, the first time you meet her. Works in an advertising company and handles client servicing. She is supposedly a hard worker and has a kick ass attitude towards life. This post is not about her Curriculum Vitae, it’s about what makes her so special and so different. Kind of freaky though. It gives me shivers, just thinking about it.


During a course of discussion, I came across a startling revelation about her. I was dismayed and traumatized to hear it the first time but then as the time went on; I started appreciating her talent and devotion to a certain cause.


It so happened that her mother bought shares of two companies. The companies were doing well but her mother was not very pleased with the annual returns of the invested amount. This is when she came into picture. Being a fine young girl, who also happened to have good breeding and “Sanskar”, she decided to help her mom, in a very different and unheard of method.


The companies her mother had invested in were Nestle and United Breweries. She decided henceforth, to only eat products from these two companies and also promote her cause amongst her friends and family.


Hold your breath now. She, since the last 14 years has survived only on a diet of Maggie Noodles and King Fisher Beer. Yes sir. This is no small achievement, by any standards. She doesn’t eat anything except Maggie Noodles and drinks only Kingfisher Beer. No bread, roti, rice, sabzi or even water. She has tried every flavor Maggie has to offer and can distinguish any beer, even with closed eyes. She travels with her own stock of Maggie Noodles and Pints of Kingfisher Beer.


I spoke to a doctor friend about her case. He says “a high carbohydrate diet can lead to severe gas, bloating, heartburn, constipation etc.” He says that gas is made in the stomach because of indigestion, which causes burping and bloating. He further added that people with such high level of carbohydrate will have a possibility of inflammable gas coming out from the mouth. It leads to loud rumbling noises in the abdomen and releases “Maggie Masala” odor. She is proud of the fact that the depth, loudness and length of her burp are one of the finest in the world. I can envisage that, clearly. Last I met her; she was burping some new Chinese flavor which Maggie has launched.


Next time you want to light a cigarette, just make sure that she is not around. She might burp at the right time and you may end up exploding. Not a good way to die, don’t you think so?

A little Maturity and Grace

Time had come to change the look of my blog. After lot of experimentation and deliberation, I have decided on this current template. It’s supposed to give my blog more maturity and grace, especially when we talk about shit and piss, most of the time. You can now "proudly" show it to your parents also. I am sure your parents would just love it. I will though, try and get you morons, more embedded games. Ravi Yadava will start his job from Monday, so we will see lots of interviews and photographs of Bhakhras. How to eat in 20.00 Rs. at 3.00 in the night.


We have received hundreds of mails from prospective writers who want to contribute articles on this blog. We will meet up with them and try to ascertain their writing and abusing skills. You may see more writers in this blog, in the near future.

Brain is the KING

Why is that words like shit, turtle, piss, dump, pee etc are cool to use but words like tatti, pishab, mutra, mutari, gobar and sandaas etc are gross ?

My friend who is a quite learned has a theory for this phenomenon. He says that when we Indians, use English words for number 1 and number 2, it’s just an expression. But, when we use words in our own language for shitting and pissing, the cerebrum, (part of brain, which most of you don't have) acts in a very funny manner. Cerebrum, which has fifty thousand to one hundred thousand neurons, is divided in to two hemispheres, the right and left hemispheres. The dividing point is a deep grove called the longitudal cerebral fissure. The different sides of the cerebrum do different things for the opposite sides of the body. The right side of the cerebrum controls things such as imagination and 3-D forms. The other side of the brain, the left side, controls numbering skills, posture, and reasoning. So the moment we hear the word Tatti, it sends information to the brain, to form imagination and 3-D forms.

So in actuality, it’s not the word but the imagination and 3-D form of the word, which makes it gross.

Embedded Games on Blog

Many of my friends wanted games on the blog. I have embedded two Japanese games on the Blog. I am sure, you will like it, given your I.Q level.

Curing Addiction

As I mentioned in my previous posts, that many a losers have taken to blogging to cure their insecurities and low self esteem. Just go to blog search and see the number of blogs on various topics. Search any word and I guarantee you, that you will get at least 2000 of blogs on that particular topic. Multiple that with the number of thousands of topics bloggers write on or offer their expert opinion and comments. Those are the kind of losers you are dealing with, in this world of blogging. The easiest blog to write is a critic blog where in someone picks a personality or a well known term and rip it apart with his/her expert comments. People who cannot act to save their lives, criticise actors and people who haven't been able to boil a egg in their lifetime, write about food and so on and so forth.

There surely comes a time for even these kind of losers ( bloggers) at some point, where they start to question themselves and their blogging habits. Mainly blog addiction etc.

One of the blog addicts wrote a piece on " Curing blogging addiction ".

Step 1. Time Restraint

When a blogger says that he would stop blogging, he has to promise that he will sleep at 12.00 and not till 2.00 A.M. Be firm on this. Place a curfew on yourself. Don't keep any cigarettes next to you. Start eating chilly chowmein or chilly hakka pakka noodles, make you feel miserable the whole night. I'm sure you know, how it works.

Step 2. Sleep till 2.30 P.M

98% of bloggers switch on their computer first thing in the morning, according to a study done by Mongolian Institute for Blog Research. So, if you wake up late, you are more likely to suffer from depression and which in turn will not make you write.

Step 3. Statistics - Don't see Too Much of Each Other

Blogging and statistics checking go hand-in-hand. So, limit the number of times you check your blog stats. Once a week is good enough. Start chewing your fingernails, instead.

Step 4. One day-One Post

Post only once a day. Take Prozac if depression dawns in. Pick up a fight with husband if unable to cope up with the build up stress.

Step 5. Destroy RSS Feeds

Delete everything. Start from scratch. Be ruthless. Start eating Half a kg of Cadbury Fruit & Nut chocolate to control the withdrawal. Have couple of bottles of bear in the afternoon. Increase your cigarette intake. Start smoking Hukka. Shout at co-workers. Cry at small things.Tear your hair off.

Step 6. - Get Out more often

There is a world out there. Go for a walk. Smell the roses. Talk to a real person face to face. Talk to strangers. Talk to trees and flowers. Talk to yourself. Make lot of gestures while walking. Laugh at yourself. Don't worry about what people think of you. Just get out.

Step 7. - Dump your Broadband

Finally, if all else fails switch back to dial-up. Dump your broadband connection and you’ll soon get so annoyed with how slow it used to be that you’ll just want to get away from that damn, slow, annoying computer. Frustration will prevail, so throw your brand new Sony laptop against the wall. Try eating 10 plates of "Misal" to kill yourself. Hopefully, you will be cured of your addiction.